Unshaven and Undeterred, ‘Million Mustache March’ Delivers Its Demands

Unshaven and Undeterred, ‘Million Mustache March’ Delivers Its Demands

Every day in Washington seems to bring with it a new kind of political rally-alpacas, atheists, silent dancers-that it’s sometimes easy to miss the rallies that address the hairiest issues facing our troubled nation.

Yesterday, the American Mustache Institute descended on D.C. for the “Million Mustache March,” a confab for hirsute gentlemen, hipster-’stached weirdos and would-be Ron Swansons to make their collective voice heard. Unfortunately for the organizers, the crowd was far fewer than the million hoped for. Still, the event garned a few hundred mostly mustachioed marchers eager to show off their flavor-savers and deliver an surprisingly agressive credo to the country’s halls of power.

Demonstrated gathered on the National Mall, and also made stops at the White House and U.S. Supreme Court, hoping to issue the following demands, according to a press release:

  • Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache during his first term to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
  • Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
  • Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
  • Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
  • Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
  • Never own a cat or watch “Sex And The City.”
  • Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
  • Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
  • Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.
  • The American Mustache Institute has tried to make itself something of a player on the local and national scenes in the current election cycle. Last month, Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-Md.) was pressed into spin mode to dispel the group’s suggestion that he supported a so-called “‘Stache Act” that would give mustache-wearers a $250 tax credit for grooming supplies. And the American Mustache Institute has also been attempting to cozy up to the presidential campaign of the clean-shaven Mitt Romney.

    Frankly, we think the American Mustache Institute might want to cool off, especially after reading the aforementioned set of demands. The notion of legislating facial hair doesn’t exactly land them in the best of company.

    Check out the original post over at DCist

    Unshaven and Undeterred, Million Mustache March Delivers Its Demands

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